I have no idea what to draw. I'm working on one, but I have nothing pushing me to finish it. I thought I could get down to work and draw again. But... Things really aren't working out for me. I tried playing a game. I've been watching some pretty cool movies. I'm genuinely bored with everything. I even threw my back out of whack working out because I'm so damn bored. I really hate life right now. It's so dull. I need something to keep me going... But, then again, no one reads these. I have about two watchers who bother with my stuff, and they're hardly on.
And, honestly, everything's pissing me off, too. If I linger on one thing for too long, I get angry. I'm angry right now. I'm so angry I can feel it pulsing through my nerves. The place I live is a piece of bullshit. I'm sick of my family, trying to be so 'picturesque' and perfect and not taking a damn joke ever and my mom being hypocritical beyond belief. My cousin is off somewhere, probably in Reno, for State FFA competitions, which, like always, she won. She'll be going to Nationals with her team-- again. She'll be having fun... again. I think the most fun I've had is when I got stoned with her on Sunday, and when I broke into the triple c's with my best friend on Wednesday.
I'm resorting to drugs to keep my mind moving. All of my friends are avoiding me for some reason. And, before anyone starts bitching about 'how I treat them', I put them all before myself. Example: we had a formal dance a week or two ago. As with everything this year, I went alone, with my friend, who's also single. But guess what? Her crush was there. I did some snooping. Found out he was there single, avoiding his crazy obsessive date, who asked him to the girl's choice event and he doesn't even know her name. I brought my friend over, and asked him, "So you're for sure here alone, then?" right as a slow dance song came on. He said yes, and I pushed my friend into his arms. "Good. Dance with her." They started slow-dancing. And then I left to talk to my friends... All of which had dates. Except for my gay friend, whose boyfriend or whatever he is by now is a ways from where we live. So, I danced with him, so we could sneak over and giggle at my friend, who was still slow dancing with her crush, looking as happy as could be. I was pretty proud of myself. But, when I went home, and before the dance when I went to dinner with some friends, I realized how damn lonely I am.
I think that's what's dragging me down. I'm lonely. And no matter what I try, people just put me last. Always. I'm getting really sick of it. There was this super popular girl in the middle school, you know? I didn't know her, because I'm a highschooler. But she shot herself yesterday. Everyone, even people she didn't know, was crying over her. Apparently, she killed herself because her dad isn't the best person. Well, here's what I have to say.
Tragic and all, but seriously. Grow a fucking spine. If that asshole of a man is beating his you, don't shoot yourself over it, god damn. YOU CALL THE POLICE, YOU DUMB BITCH. Now look what you've done. Your boyfriend killed himself, too, imagine that. What about his family, hmm? Now where's your dad's punishment for what he did? You being dead, you say? No, I think that if a man is stupid and cruel enough to beat his daughter he probably won't care if there's a chunk of lead in your skull. Sorry, dearie, but that's how it works. He might pretend to care, but his eyes will be dry. I'm not crying over you, either. Sooo many of my friends, along with me, have considered suicide, attempted it, been put on watch, caught hurting ourselves in a classroom, and guess what? No one cared. You only have people raving about you because you're a bimbo, like that Amanda Todd idiot.
I'm so done with this place. I want to go somewhere where I won't be letting my mind decay and gather dust. I want to go somewhere where I can distract myself, so I don't lose it again. I'm close to it. But I'm trying my best to keep it under control. I don't know how much longer I can take it, though.
I might be following her into the dark soon enough, but I doubt that half as many people would care anyways. After all, I am nothing but a damn shadow trying to make herself a real person.
Watching: Harry Potter